Sons and servants

‘Teach your son to do housework so in the future, he can have a partner, not a servant.’

The reactions to my survey and article have been fascinating to read - and very varied.

Some women have shared that they have realized what a good choice they made when they married their husband, because he has always done his share of the housework, cooking and childcare and working from home through Covid19 hasn’t changed that (okay, two women have said this). Some men have been outraged and responded angrily because they always do their share, this has not changed and I must just be one of those ‘feminists’ who look for any excuse to criticize men (who knows whether these men actually do their fair share, or just think they do).

Good for the men who are sharing the load - and there are for sure some - and good for the lucky women who are married to or living with them. The majority of women, however, are saying that they fully recognise the survey findings in their own experience. One shared that her husband doesn’t even see the jobs that need doing and she has tried to ‘play chicken’ with him by leaving them not done for 3 weeks but eventually had to give in and do them herself because she couldn’t bear it.

Why does this happen? Is the cliché that sons go from being waited on hand and foot by their mothers to getting this service from their wives?

And why do women accept this role of servant in the home? Why don’t women ask for help? One response was that women are afraid of the response, whether an argument or tantrum (for those who are lucky), or even violence (for those who are not). I know this is a horrible truth in some cases, but it is thankfully not true for the majority of men - I believe most are probably just not as aware of the work, or maybe just used to having it done for them. In these cases, surely women don’t need to accept and do the lion’s share of it and could use this crisis as a catalyst to have conversations and ask for help and change?

It’s important that this unequal situation is addressed, and not just because some women were already at their limit before this crisis and are now exhausted by the extra work they are doing that the cleaner was before, or the home-schooling. It is also important because it is negatively impacting the quantity and quality of the ‘career’ work these women can do; female academics are submitting significantly fewer papers while male submissions are up 50%, and there are many more examples. The last thing women need, on top of all the other many gender equality barriers they face, is to not have time to do justice to their ability in their jobs.

So to all the men out there who are treating the women in their lives more like a servant than a partner - stop. It may have been okay to be waited on by your mother, it’s not okay now.